


I loved you and then I lost you

by blushingprince



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Angst, Flashbacks, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Pining, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Rough Sex, Semi-Public Sex, Trauma, dimitri is in a very bad spot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-19
Updated: 2020-04-19
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:01:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23729437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blushingprince/pseuds/blushingprince
Summary: Felix deals with the reality that Dimitri is pronounced dead and grieves him until the Blue Lions find him. He must then confront the new man Dimitri is
Relationships: Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd/Felix Hugo Fraldarius
Comments: 6
Kudos: 33





	I loved you and then I lost you

**Author's Note:**

> general tw because Felix is in a bad headspace in this fic and so is Dimitri

It’d been weeks since Felix had heard the news, but he still was struggling to come to grips with reality. _How?_ He knew how, goddamn it. He’d been told how in sordid detail by his father. _But why?_ The answer was plain and obvious. Cornelia’s schemes had brought the royal family nothing but trouble. But Dimitri wasn’t just a prince to Felix. He was…he was more than that. The two had been inseparable since early childhood, more than best friends in their teen years and unsure what to call themselves. Felix recalled how they chased after each other, how they could never forget each other no matter what. So many shared touches, moments, and experiences that they held close. Dimitri was _his,_ he wasn’t just the prince. He was special to Felix in a way nobody else could compare. Felix had let him inside his soul and Dimitri had eaten him up.

And now, to hear that he was dead? That he had been murdered escaping the capital? Felix placed his head in his hands for the umpteenth time that day, his hair a messy shadow of what it was weeks prior. It was partially too difficult to face reality. How could Dimitri die? Dimitri….Dimitri was everything. Dimitri was his foundation, his rock, the center of his world. The reality of him not being in this world was too much….too much all at once. With Edelgard waging war onto pretty much the entire Fodlan, this was the last thing Felix needed. He just wanted to hold Dimitri close, to inhale his familiar scent, to feel his warmth and know he’d be there for him. He’d apologize for all the rude things he’d said, albeit slowly and stubbornly, and Dimitri would laugh his beautiful, deep laugh like there was nothing wrong in the world. They’d kiss and make love and the world would be normal.

Felix’s eyes shot open. Dimitri was dead. Dimitri _was dead._ There was no more middle of the night escapades, no more longing hugs and kisses, no more of anything! Not even a chance to say he was sorry. He’d never feel the warmth of his beloved again or hear his gorgeous, bellowing voice. Dimitri was _gone_. Felix looked down at his hands and panicked, grabbing anything for some sort of sensation. Where was his body? Did they mutilate it? Did they defile it? The last semblance of Dimitri on this Earth and Felix couldn’t even wish him goodbye. Felix pounded his bed and let the tears flow willingly. The only man in the world he could care for was gone, dead, in a ditch for all the world mattered. What did anything matter anymore? What did this war matter? Glory? Honor? Uniting various countries? What did it matter if Dimitri was dead?!

It was all like Glenn dying all over again. But different. Felix wasn’t called upon and he didn’t call upon anyone. He stayed in bed, curled up, unmoving. When his body willed him to move and he grasped his sword, he was only reminded of not being able to protect the most important person to him. He felt disgusted with himself, agitated, itchy, repentant. He discarded his sword. What was there left? A pointless war between power-hungry overlords? He didn’t see the point.

Days passed. Weeks passed. Months passed. Felix remained unchanging, seeing the world through a bitter lens where the only thing that had truly mattered to him had been taken away. If only, perhaps, he could have put Dimitri in a proper grave. Felix recalled how they weren’t able to do that for Glenn and he had no true resting place. If only he could recover Dimitri’s body somehow…to bury him…That was pure suicide though. Fhirdihad was on full alert of being attacked.

Time continued to pass, and Felix channeled his energy into practicing his sword. The grief he felt was real and intense, but he always had such a difficult time with his emotions and knew no greater way to wield them. _If only I could have protected him…_ He wondered, absentmindedly, what Ingrid and Sylvain were doing in those moments. What did he want out of this? Revenge? _No, I just want Dimitri back._ But the dead don’t come back to life, and Felix was left alone with his thoughts of how and what could have gone differently. He reminisced on his time with the prince and how they fell in love. _He could have had anyone, and yet he chose me._ _Dimitri…_

The weeks went on and Felix put on a stoic face that everything was ok when inside he was a wreck. He refused to talk to anyone and holed himself up at his estate. How could he enjoy his life when Dimitri could not? It was in the middle of the night that he lost it. Going through his belongings, looking for a particular item he could faintly remember, he found a familiar envelope - a letter Dimitri wrote to him.

_To Felix –_

_I know that you respect that I am Prince and my father’s son, but please do not let that strain our relationship. You are dear to me in ways you’ll never know. When I look upon your blushing face and see your pout, I know I have found peace._

_Meet me at the old abandoned house in two days’ time._

_Yours always,_

_Dimitri_

Tears stained the old letter as Felix read it and reread it and reread it. His choking sobs erupted in a howl of misery as he clutched the paper close to him and could only feel pain. Dimitri was truly gone. He was gone. He’d never see him again, or feel him, or touch him. Dimitri was truly gone. Felix fell asleep crumpled with his letter and his tears.

After that, Felix numbed himself to everything. He couldn’t hope for good news anymore and he couldn’t wallow in desperation. Dimitri was never coming back. Felix would mourn him forever. He knew he’d never love another man the same. Dimitri was one of a kind.

Maybe he could rejoin the war effort. Maybe the only way he could see normally again was if Cornelia was brought to justice. He had to make use of himself. He couldn’t wallow in desperation any further. Felix sent letters to Ingrid and Sylvain. Dimitri may be dead, but he was still alive. He had to make use of his life, especially if that meant avenging Dimitri.

________________

Fast forward a few years later and Felix’s dad pulled him aside after coming home from a long espionage trip. Felix was waiting with bated breath to hear about the situation in Fhirdihad. And that’s when Rodrigue told him.

“We think His Highness might still be alive,” Rodrigue said.

The words didn’t process in Felix’s brain. “What?”

“His Highness! He might have escaped somehow that fateful day and is still somehow alive!”

Felix’s brain turned to mush. After that, he met with Sylvain and Ingrid, and there was so much commotion about tracking Dimitri down. He wasn’t sure what to think or believe. Felix had spent so much time accepting that Dimitri was in fact, dead, and mourning him, that now he was in shock.

“Felix,” Sylvain began, “Let yourself be happy,”

Felix scowled. He hated how Sylvain already knew what he was thinking. “And what if they’re wrong? What if I just have to come to terms with him being dead all over again?”

“Well…it’s better to be positive,”

Be positive is exactly what the Blue Lions did as they all met together and tried to learn about Dimitri’s whereabouts. Felix tried _not_ to participate, as he didn’t want to start believing Dimitri was alive and then become disappointed.

And then they found him.

Joy kissed with hope. Felix had never been so nervous for a mission in his life, not even that time when Glenn took him hunting when he was just a little kid. He could barely sleep for days until they found Dimitri. Where was Dimitri? Where had he spent the past five years? What had he gone through? Had he changed at all? Questions circled in Felix’s mind and he needed to see Dimitri right now.

__________

Seeing him was an entirely different thing, though. He was there – his heart was beating, and he was speaking, but it was like he was a different man. Felix could hardly believe this was actually Dimitri was he knew it was him. They circled around Dimitri, excited to see him, and he spoke desperately of revenge and ghosts. The professor had found him, apparently. He was such a far cry of what he used to be, committed to justice and his ideals. Now, Dimitri was consumed with revenge and violence. Felix watched him carefully. Eventually, the other Blue Lions left to look around the monastery, as everyone decided to make camp there. Felix followed Dimitri. He watched him. Said prince stayed in the cathedral and didn’t move or speak. Was he offering a prayer up to the Goddess? This new Dimitri wore heavy armor, a thick cape, and an eyepatch. His hair was long and scraggily. What had happened to him? Any semblance of friendlessness or humor was devoid in his personality. He mumbled to himself quietly.

The first month back in Gareg Mach, most of the other Blue Lions stayed away from Dimitri. When approached, he told others to go away. Dimitri stood in the cathedral and said and did nothing. Felix slipped in and out to observe him. Was this truly the Dimitri he knew and loved? Undoubtedly. He knew it from the moment he saw him. What had happened to him was the question. So, Felix simply watched for now. The first day, the second day, the third day, he came into the cathedral and watched Dimitri. There was no way he could leave this man alone. Whether Felix could admit it or not, he was deeply concerned for the man. He just wanted to talk to him, Oh Goddess. But Dimitri seemed immovable. He stood in the back of the cathedral, flattening his presence, and waiting for Dimitri to do literally anything, but he didn’t.

This was the man he loved! Felix wanted to talk to him so badly and it hurt his chest. He had mourned the man, thought he was dead for years, and then suddenly found out he was live. It was too emotional. But Dimitri was entirely sealed off. Felix loved him so much and he only wanted to talk. He felt himself tearing up. _Oh Goddess, I really do love this man. Please…_ He didn’t quite know what he was asking for, but he needed Dimitri….just at least to be responsive. Every day he came into the cathedral and watched the man he loved be a shell of his former self. Felix didn’t know how to help him at all. He would do _anything._

By the 12th day, Felix felt himself at his limit. He approached Dimitri and called his name. The prince made eye contact with him. Felix wasn’t quite sure how to proceed. “Dimitri…” he repeated.

“That man is dead.” Dimitri told him. And he didn’t say anything else.

Felix felt accomplished yet failed. He had managed to get a word out of the man but not much. He was entirely frustrated. Couldn’t Dimitri see that he was alive? Felix could clearly see it! He spent a lot of time worrying about that one fact. He wanted to revel in the joy that Dimitri was alive, but he was tormented in the reality of the man’s mental state.

Two nights later, Felix lay awake at night wondering what the best approach to getting Dimitri to talk and helping him was. Nobody else seemed to be trying to talk to him – either they didn’t see the severity of the situation or they didn’t want to try. Felix was determined to get through to Dimitri no matter what. Would he still be there this late at night? Did Dimitri ever sleep? He may have thought he was dude but he sure as hell was alive.

Felix walked to the cathedral. It was quiet; there was barely anyone in the monastery and most people were asleep. Although it was dark, he peaked through the heavy and high doors and find a familiar silhouette in the center of the rubble. Dimitri. Oh Goddess, he would do anything and everything for the man. He was so tired of watching him from the back of the church. He just wanted to talk to him. Oh, how he _missed_ him.

Felix approached said figure and their eyes met.

“Dimitri,” Felix breathed, private and personal. And there was hardly a response.

Dimitri watched him through his single eye. It wasn’t as if this new Dimitri was hard on the eyes. He had his own appeal.

“Felix,” Dimitri responded, after an eternity of waiting.

How long had it been since Dimitri had called his name? In that voice? Felix was losing his mind. “I want to help you! But you’re making it impossible! Just tell me something I can do that will help you,” Felix nearly shouted, exasperated.

“The dead want her head,” Dimitri solemnly told him.

“Not them!” Felix responded, angry, shoving Dimitri’s chest. “You! Something that will help you,”

Dimitri’s fingers curled around Felix’s hand and pulled him closer. His eyes looked almost dead, but Felix saw the lust erupting inside them. “I know one thing you can give me.”

It took less than a second for Felix to consider his options, with Dimitri’s figure towering over him. Did he want it? Yes. More than anything. He hadn’t felt Dimitri in years and was aching so badly for him. Was Dimitri being incredibly weird now and maybe he’d regret it later? Also, yes but he wanted Dimitri inside him more.

“Take what you want,” Felix breathed.

It wasn’t like sweet and sensual times of the past. Dimitri didn’t slowly undress him and tease him to completion. This Dimitri put him on the bare floor of the cathedral and tugged off his clothes. _What if someone walks in?_ Felix found himself caring less and less. Dimitri didn’t kiss him; the act was too intimate, but he nearly ripped off Felix’s clothes with his strength. Felix found himself missing Dimitri’s lips too badly.

Once their pants were off, Dimitri hurriedly prepared Felix for him entering. Felix flinched at the sudden pain; it had been too long since he had someone inside of him. He briefly recalled how Dimitri used to take him apart with his fingers. Dimitri stretched the three fingers had inside Felix’s ass, pulling them in and out at an angle that had him whining.

Even if it wasn’t exactly what he wanted, just being touched again by Dimitri was a fever dream. Felix leaned into the touch and moaned loudly. He knew how Dimitri liked his voice. Anything to get him to keep going. He only wanted more and more of this contact. After years of not seeing this man, this was the only thing and everything he needed.

Felix felt Dimitri push well oiled fingers inside of him. He’d no idea where Dimitri retrieved such a thing but arched his back into the pleasure. Dimitri was going quick this time. The prince grasped his hips and lined himself up. Not giving Felix a second to breath, Dimitri thrust all the way inside and moaned. “Fuck,” he panted.

Dimitri pulled out and pushed back in, coming quickly and roughly at Felix and establishing a brutal rhythm. Felix wrapped an arm around Dimitri’s neck and dug his nails into him. The moonlight draped them in a luminescent glow as Dimitri fucked Felix as hard and as fast as he could. Felix threaded his fingers through Dimitri’s hair, pulling on the golden strands and moaning towards the starlight. The prince lowered his face and bit Felix’s shoulder, leaving a purple blue mark as he kept thrusting.

“Dimitri…Dimitri…” came Felix’s cry as Dimitri only pounded into him more.

Dimitri, lost in his own pleasure, handled Felix roughly and left a litter of marks all over his neck. Kisses and bites were given without discretion. Their lips never did meet, though, and Felix was acutely aware of it.

Sometimes hard and fast was better. Felix wrapped his legs around Dimitri’s torso as he continued to fuck him hard. Felix felt a flurry of moans be drawn out from him as he arched his back into the pleasure and begged for what he didn’t know. Dimitri felt so damn good, it felt so good to just be with him. Even if it wasn’t the exact same as what he envisioned – he was still with him. Felix cried out Dimitri’s name as a testament to his love. As Dimitri hit his prostate over and over again, Felix reveled in the pleasure and met his thrusts with his own.

Finally, _finally, finally,_ Dimitri reached down and stroked Felix’s cock, as if somehow remembering his needs. Felix gasped, choking on his own moans. He was addicted to this man. Dimitri continued to stroke him as he thrust, and Felix knew he wouldn’t last long. He felt his orgasm begin to build up inside of him. “Dimitri,” he cried out desperately.

Dimitri worked harder to make his hips go faster and Felix could barely keep up. The prince grasped his hips roughly as he fucked him senselessly into orgasm. Felix came shortly after, in a couple spurts, with Dimitri’s name on his tongue. Dimitri followed soon after, collapsing on top of him and leaving a mess.

They lay there in silence for what seemed like forever. Dimitri was heavy, though.

Dimitri rolled off of Felix and watched his face carefully. “You’re crying,” he said quietly. Felix touched his face. There were indeed tears in his eyes.

“I hurt you,” Dimitri said, and his voice was monotone.

“No…No…” Felix wiped the tears away. How silly of him. “I just…I um…I really missed you,”

The expression on Dimitri’s face was blank. “That man is dead,”

Felix folded his arms and dug his face into them. He was tired. “I know. But I thought that was… nice…”

Dimitri placed his large cape onto Felix, covering him from the cold. Neither of them said anything else. Felix lifted the large furs and smelled them, and they smelled just how he remembered – just like the man he loved. 

**Author's Note:**

> OH THE ANGST


End file.
